Monday, June 15, 2009

Thanks For The Dough High Arctic!

Hi! My name is Scott Bateman, President and CEO of First Air.

I would like to take the opportunity to thank all the residents of Canada's High Arctic for lining my company's pocket books this year - especially mine. At First Air, we believe in competition. We compete fiercely in all the big markets like Ottawa, Yellowknife and Iqaluit. Those other tiny places we fly into - well who cares, right? They're not important. The important thing is that we are competitive and offer good value in our urban hubs. We remain competitive against Air Canada, Canadian North and even West Jet by offering the best possible prices - everyday. The best part is, we can make up for any losses simply by over-charging those people flying into those smaller, unimportant communities - like Nanisivik, Resolute, Clyde River and even Qikiq....Qik....Qikiq......um Broughton Island. You know? The places where we pretty much have a monopoly. So you see, financially we are quite sound. Those huge corporate bonuses we paid ourselves last year were a big help too. Well, not to you of course. You're not important. But don't worry about us, we ride through these tough economic times with steak and lobster - washed down by the finest merlot of course.

Truly, this would not be possible without the hard-earned money our customers fork over. Remember - if you love us, you will help us. I would like to call on the residents of Resolute to back away from the idea of a High Arctic Research Centre being built in your community. You see, the thing is, it might open open up competition for us with Canadian North. Heck, we just want to keep the status quo. We've got the contracts for Canada Post and Food Mail and we charge upwards of $5200 to Ottawa to Nanisivik and back. Changing this would be bad - especially for me and my family. Nanisivik means "a place where something is found." And that "something"....is your hard-earned money!

Sorry to go off on a tangent like this, really I am. But you see, I skipped all my classes in business ethics at university and really I just have a weather vane where my heart should be. My hairline is receding faster than my human decency. What it really all comes down to in the end though is that I got a HUGE corporate bonus last year and you didn't. I love my money and I want to keep it. I love YOUR money too and would like to keep it. So we'll keep charging those inflated fares because in the end I'm just a blood-sucking capitalist out for your buck and I look out for number one. And that just ain't you.......sucker!


HA!

4 comments:

Clare said...

Wow Darcy, how did you do that? No sooner had your post appeared but my fax rang. On it was an "Inter-community 'VISITS' fares" seat sale from First Air. $99 plus taxes one way between communities. Only ones that apply to Arctic Bay/Nanisivik are between here and Resolute or Pond, but still. Travel between July 4 and 18.

If you held your travel until then you could do Nanisivik Pond Inlet (which probably goes through Resolute at these prices), then Pond to Iqaluit for $200.

Amazing. Keep posting, see what other fares you can get them to lower.

Way Way Up said...

Ha. Who knew? Thanks for the heads up. It does give me more options to play with.

Maybe I'll even get hot meals and fully reclining seats on every flight...."shower specialist" optional.

Aida said...

WOW, seriously Clare? i have to go look on the website now..lol

Anonymous said...

While I respect their right (or the right of any industry) to make a profit, there is something wrong about that. What makes it even worse is that the economy is bad.