Monday, March 09, 2009

How To Run A Successful Anti-Seal Hunt Campaign

First assign human qualities to seals. Use words like adorable, soft, cuddly, baby, helpless...you get the idea.

Then, assign less favourable words to sealers and the hunt - cruel, barbaric, blood-thirsty, savage, relentless.

Then, keep asserting falsehoods as fact. Remember, if you say it loud enough and often enough and in front of enough cameras, it doesn't matter if it's actually true. (Ignore the fact that in Nunavut, Inuit use rifles and not clubs to kill seals. Also ignore the fact that Inuit don't hunt white coats in the mass industrialized fashion portrayed by the antis' propaganda, that they use the entire animal after they harvest it and that hunting white coats has been illegal since 1987 anyway.)

Remember, it's important not to muddy the debate with facts. Instead, play on people's emotions. The further removed those people are from areas where seals play a role in people's lives, the better. Also, don't play up the fact that you are an ignorant elitist because you went to university. Sure, you can feel all self-righteous and self-important, just don't let on. You can score further points by referring to your adversaries as "red necks", "hicks" or "Nazis".

Next, because visual aids are important....you can show celebrities...

like Paul McCarthy and Heather Mills....



old crazy French actresses....(my oh my the years have definitely NOT been kind to you, mon cheri!)



(Note - for this one to work you have to ignore all the not nice things she's said in the past about Jews, immigrants and homosexuals. It muddies the waters and distracts from the issue of making money......er...I mean protesting the hunt.)

...or, you can use Pamela Anderson. Woo hoo!. (Well, it's not like PETA has ever sexualized women in the past to promote a campaign, so don't blame me on this one. They started it.)



Hmm...some protestors have roaming eyes...



You can also use seals themselves. Remember, that for maximum effect, it helps if they are white and furry. Just ignore the fact that Inuit don't traditionally hunt baby seals and you're good to go.




Referring to them as "mother" and "baby" is a good thing.....really tugs at the heart strings of the ill-informed.



Awww....it almost looks like these two seals are kissing. How adorable!



Look at this seal....



Oops, I mean ignore it, IGNORE IT NOW! We can't actually show how Mother Nature REALLY works now....that would be counter-productive.

Man, what is a poor protester to do? Whack the whale? That would get those whale protesters after you? Wait, aren't the two groups one and the same? Yeah, I thought so too. Gee, those guys really ought to go out and give THEMSELVES a good whack!

Of course, you can also protest...



Using young attractive women who aren't describing their last marriage is generally more palatable though.

Remember to let nothing stand in your way. Be wary if the group you are facing is a group of Inuit students, who, you know, might actually be able to speak with some authority when it comes to the seal hunt. You know, since they come from a culture that has harvested seals for oh, 4000 years. Don't worry though. If they try to reason with you, just shout and scream at them.



When that fails, take one of their cultural symbols and desecrate it.....



Of course, when all else fails, you can always just make an idiot of yourself.





Notice how in all the protest photos, the protesters were all standing in urban settings? Its much easier to operate a camera in nice warm cities. It's much harder in small Northern communities when it's -40C. Plus, cities guarantee you both an ignorant populace and an abundance of media exposure. Live and learn kids!

Now, go out and do your worst! Remember, we fail every year BUT we are STILL better than they are!

7 comments:

Ashley, Danielle & Benjamin said...

Ash and I love this post Darcy. Great job!!!

Ferry Tales said...

Great post! On the Front, most sealers use rifles, too, and don't hunt whitecoats. That's illegal Canada-wide.

Lindsay Niedzielski said...

Very well written!!!

Shanlee said...

Oh I'm sure this will drum up some weirdo blog stalkers - but I think it's a brilliant post.

Russell Potter said...

Agreed, a brilliant post. I wanted to put in a word, though, for the late Inuit writer Alootook Ipellie's brilliant satire about all this, "After Bridgette Bardot" in his book Arctic Dreams and Nightmares. In this story, a baby harp seal clubs Bardot's lover to death, and Bardot herself is reincarnated as a harp seal. As Ipellie explains it, "The ghosts of all baby harp seals were now avenging themselves for the atrocities done to them by humankind. The irony is, this was not happening anywhere else on earth except in France."

Nan | Wrath Of Mom said...

Humorous deconstruction of the seal hunt protesters. I really enjoyed this post -- thanks.

Way Way Up said...

Thanks. I try.